My Queer War

And I kissed him back, letting go of time, place, myself, the swelling seizure of sensation, surrender, sudden nothingness of everything else, no longer knowing what or where or why, and his hands were all over me, fumbling with my clothes, nor did I understand how we were lying on the cool grass in the abrupt dark, so I mumbled, ‘But somebody might see us,’ in an ecstasy of fear.

‘This is your first time, isn’t it?’ he said in my ear. ‘I can tell. I’ll show you what it’s like. You’ll like it. Just let yourself go, baby.’

So I did, and he did, and I did.

The ascent into oblivion was utter caesura of self. I choked against the lament of pleasure, the shock of life, as if I’d waited for it for ever; neither vile nor frightening, it bit me exactly where – and how – the heartbeat of sensation, thoughtless and pure, drove my blood, the freedom of it intoxicating. So this was what it was all about. Yes. And I thought, ‘If only.’

But there I was with Jerry in the confusion of our bodies in the grass, now pitch dark, and our clothes were a mess.

He said, ‘So you don’t know what it means to be gay?’

‘Apparently not.’

‘It’s a password. We use it between ourselves so other people won’t know we’re talking about being queer. You don’t know a thing about the gay scene, do you?’
‘I guess I don’t.’

‘How old are you?’

‘Twenty.’

‘Late starter. High time you got to know the world you’re going to spend your life in. I can give you a shove in that direction if you want. Don’t get me wrong, but you’ve got a lot to learn. I go into Boston weekends. Can show you around. You’ll be surprised. I can give you the shove. You sink or swim, that’s your business. OK?’

‘I guess,’ I said.

‘Friday then. See you at the bus stop six thirty, forty-five. Button up your pants, sweetheart.’

Was what had happened apparent to my room­mates? Aaron? Tony? They naturally knew that homosexuality was a quotient of the human equation, Oscar Wilde having taken good care to publicize the facts. Jerry considered me innocent; I could play that part for my friends breezily. When Aaron enquired about the weekend, I said I was going to cruise around town on my own, never in my jejune insouciance fancying that that described exactly what I’d do.