Kristin

And, finally, I would like the writer to know that the place in Beira, Mozambique that I was told to avoid because of the "shady elements" said to hang out there was *actually*... In point of fact, the name of the place was the Tropicana.

P.S. My mistake, I need to reword this:

"While your movie must center around the trials of a great African hero/villain, the story should be told through the eyes of a white person or white people--think the South African rugby team or that guy who narrated "The Last King of Scotland." White Americans will not be able to relate to a movie in which black African people are granted full human subjectivity or allowed to participate in reflection or deep thought."

And also this:

"If you are an African-American academic, make your work/documentary centered on your own personal journey. Be sure to spend copious amounts of time at former slave trading posts thinking about the involvement of black Africans in the slave trade. Indulge your own private conflict about What It All Means for you as a Descendant of Africa and of the transatlantic slave trade. If your feelings throughout the Journey motivate you to take an antagonistic attitude toward the Africans you are studying, all the better. There is, after all, nothing to be said about Africa beyond What it Means for African-Americans. It might even get you a cushy post as head of the W.E.B. DuBois Center for African and Africana studies at Harvard University. Just check out the career of Henry Louis Gates."

Part 2 (I was too long to include it all in just one):

"If your screenplay centers upon a big human disaster like the Rwandan genocide, refrain from including anything that could be understood as commentary on political or economic circumstances. African human disasters can only be explained to a Western audience through the lens of the "ancient hatreds" theory. That is, conflicts in Africa happen because of the "ancient hatreds" that certain tribal groups have had for one another since the dawn of humanity. If you are not dealing with a conflict that can be described as "ethnic" in any terms, then you must play up the involvement of African criminal syndicates (especially those run by Nigerians) and warlords in the conflict. Furthermore, the story must include a clear Moral Message; this means that one side of the conflict must be designated as unqualified "evil" and the other as unqualified "good." Again, moral ambiguity is confusing and upsetting and to be avoided at all costs.

Speaking of Nigerians: Nigerians are the Quintessential African Villain. Do not include any Nigerians who are "good" or morally ambiguous or complex in any way. Avoid giving your African characters depth in general, but make your Nigerians even more one-dimensional than the rest. Nigerians are to Western films about Africa what Italian-Americans are to Mafia films. Thugs, drug runners, criminals. Always ruthless. No Nigerian women may figure into your story unless they are prostitutes. In general, it's taboo to depict African cannibalism--unless, of course, you are depicting Nigerians. It is a-okay to write Nigerians as cannibals (Just see "District 9" for an example.)."

Okay, so I thought about this a bit longer and wrote this:

"Screenplays about Africa are in fashion these days. Just remember: You can only write movies about great African statesmen (such as Nelson Mandela) or evil despots (such as Idi Amin). No one in the United States wants to see a move about Yoweri Museveni. Why? Because moral ambiguity, mixed administrative records, and dealings with the World Bank are boring. American studios can only sell movies about African heroes or African villains. Even if you find the moral ambiguity in the biography of a Mandela or an Amin striking, you must write your characters either as total heroes or total villains. Anything deeper will be confusing to the Western audience.

When writing your screenplay, keep in mind that you should write your film with a distinguished African-American actor in mind for the lead role. Nothing says Oscar bait like an African-American playing one of these great African heroes or villains. Besides, you will never get your film into the studio without a big Hollywood star behind the project. In order to prepare for the role, the African-American can simply meet with a dialect coach who can teach him the Standard African Dialect that African-Americans use to portray African characters. The dialect training is so standard that the same dialect may be used for every African-American who ever plays the part of an African in any part of the world.

While your movie must center around the trials of a great African hero/villain, the story should be told through the eyes of a white person or white people--think the South African rugby team or that guy who narrated "The Last King of Scotland." Americans will not be able to relate to a movie in which African people are granted full human subjectivity or allowed to participate in reflection or deep thought."

@SparkingJem: I tried to watch the Number One Ladies Detective Agency series, and I just...could not finish it. I started it thinking, "Okay, at least this doesn't reinforce stereotypes about the suffering of a monolith where there are flies on every child's eyelids." But, yeah, it's so...bland, the series. And romanticized, as you say. With African-Americans as the biggest stars of the series.

Another thing I might add to this:

"If you are writing a screenplay, be sure to keep a distinguished African-American actor in mind for the lead role. African-Americans can play leaders like Nelson Mandela--or despots like Idi Amin. Either type of role ensures a de facto Oscar nomination. Dialect coaches can teach African-American actors the all-purpose African Dialect accent that is useful for playing the role of any black African."

I just heard Jennifer Hudson was slated to play Winnie Madikizela-Mandela.

I loved this piece. Every word of it is spot-on, and it lets no one off the hook. I was laughing right along until bits and pieces started to hit home, even for a Good Leftist like me (particularly the bit about blaming "the West" in vague terms). Thank you for this. I'm forwarding it to everyone I know who lives/works/goes to any region in Africa. We all need to read it! This is the most perfect take-downs of many of the bigotries that we bring with us to Africa that I've ever seen.