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New Voices

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Granta.com’s New Voices series showcases original fiction from emerging writers. The latest story in this series is ‘Beginning, End’ by Jessica Soffer.

You were born. You named yourself. You walked your turtle. You went to school. You had dirty feet. You lay in a field. You piled into the Vanagan. You carried signs. You grew long legs. You met someone. You were just a kid. You didn’t keep it. You got into college. You moved east. You shaved your armpits. You took up jogging. You discovered hairspray. You crossed your legs.

I saw you at that party, holding a rock in your fingers. I popped a mint. I cleared my throat. I had pennies in my loafers. I ate red meat. I could change. I told you, I would change. I knew by your face, you weren’t so sure. I was drunk. I wasn’t your type. I kissed you on the Lakefill. I lifted a lash off your face. I didn’t tell you, my parents belonged to a country club. I had season tickets. I thought, you looked so clean, you smelled like stems.

I walked behind you. You led the rallies. I lost my mother. You rubbed my back.

We got a place. We read a lot. We rescued a dog. You worked at a shelter. I was a terrible handyman. My father called friends. We moved to the city. We ordered in. We picked up dry-cleaning. We hailed cab after cab. We were promoted. We hardly saw each other. I drank too much. You wouldn’t kiss me. You said I was my father. I stood there, half-listening, sick of your hoping. You said, you weren’t angry just tired.

We got a bigger apartment. We ran along the pier. We ate organic. We tried for a baby. We tried again. You took hormones. You pushed me away. I moved out. I slept with our dermatologist. You buried our dog. You forgave me. You cut your hair. I moved back in. We almost adopted. We went to counseling. We got a puppy. We held hands on the bird trail and the puppy scampered ahead.

We wore pyjama sets. We saw Spanish films. We took our time at the market. We got a stationary bike. We feared the wind. We helped each other dress. We went to Tuscany. You wanted to stay. I bought you an MG. You named it Brando. I got mugged in broad daylight. I shattered a kneecap. We had to wonder.

We bought some land. It gave us hope. I loved the farm stands. We moved in April. You bought second-hand books. You painted the bathrooms. I planted tomatoes. We sat on the porch. We had soil in our fingernails. We let it be. We reminisced. We didn’t miss it. We left the door unlocked. You found a lump. I took you to the doctor. You had to drive. I blamed the hormones. I blamed that commune. I blamed soy. I blamed the sun. You took long baths. Your hair fell like feathers. I did the laundry. I managed your pills. I spoon-fed you yogurt. You asked for nothing. You gripped my sweaters. I didn’t sleep. I watched you breathing. You were quiet as a plant. You were the same but with a different face.

I always knew, you said, that I’d go first. You weren’t looking for an answer. I couldn’t say it anyhow. I couldn’t commit you to it. You were a shell.

Now, I think we should have adopted. We should have stayed in the city. We should have made more friends. This house is too big. You picked all the colors. Your earrings hang from a lamp. Your socks stiffen in the hamper. Your bookmark stops midway through. I sleep with your wallet. It sticks to my cheek like dead skin. Still. I try to walk every morning. I make big portions and freeze them. I donate to our college. I’ve been meaning to volunteer. I’ve been avoiding classical music. The best hours are at night when I can’t be sure if I’m dreaming.

Just the other day, I was moving the dust. The house was whipped by thunder. I covered my head. My arms were wet wood. I didn’t think of God. I got onto the floor. Before, I’d sat here like this. You were falling asleep. You put your hand on my shoulder. Isn’t it something, you asked. I knew what you meant.

Comments (107)

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  1. southcoastsounds

    Thu Jun 25 16:42:34 BST 2009

    A fine piece of writing. The story of so many lives, but unique to this one. Everything changes when the things we take for granted are no longer there. Excellent

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  2. Victoria Mixon

    Thu Jun 25 22:16:32 BST 2009

    This is beautiful. What a haunting combination of telling detail and simple understatement. I'll be linking to it from my post on 6/26/09 as an example of exquisite exposition.

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  3. Aliss929

    Fri Jun 26 03:49:53 BST 2009

    Just lovely. Vanagan made me giggle.

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  4. zacharypace

    Fri Jun 26 04:30:29 BST 2009

    stunning

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  5. David Gleeson

    Fri Jun 26 20:32:47 BST 2009

    The drift is established almost from the outset, making its ending all but inevitable: death or break-up. But that doesn't detract from a wonderful progression carried by a unique style of prose.

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  6. Victoria Mixon

    Sat Jun 27 01:07:04 BST 2009

    I couldn't stick with just the beauty of the exposition. I also discussed the meticulous use of first and second person, for the benefit of every writer who's ever wondered, "How is it done right?"

    This is how it's done Right.

    Victoria
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  7. Cristian

    Sun Jun 28 00:20:28 BST 2009

    What a story!

    I like to read new voices, writers that are not being forced to write a story. Profesional writers are writung -sometime- too much, they should pause, do something else, recharge the batteries to see if they can write again with this fresh english, direct, to the point. CONGRATULATIONS!

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  8. LynnScarapella

    Wed Jul 01 13:10:24 BST 2009

    What a breathtaking piece! I haven't been moved like this by a story in a very long time. I could just read it again and again and again. And I will!

    Congratulations, Jessica!

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  9. Yours Truly

    Wed Jul 01 16:00:57 BST 2009

    Wonderful transition: We left the door unlocked. You found a lump. This reads like a poem.

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  10. Valverde

    Mon Jul 06 13:28:13 BST 2009

    Made an account just to post this.

    Wow. My stomach has dropped out.

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  11. jeelani

    Fri Jul 10 08:55:31 BST 2009

    She is Jessica. I am Jeelani. She wrote that. I write this.
    She said heart. I listen life.
    She drank tears.I cried blood.
    What a savage world. What a lethal time. Again I read this line. I knew what you meant.


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  12. patrick murphy

    Thu Aug 06 13:01:16 BST 2009

    The skill with which immediacy is invoked is jaw-droppingly good. My first rich cyber-lit experience. What a buzz...

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  13. swarmflash

    Tue Aug 18 13:11:38 BST 2009

    This is, without question, a brilliant piece of writing by a unique voice. Looking forward to see where she goes next.

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  14. Pierre

    Mon Sep 21 13:23:05 BST 2009

    This comment has been removed by the moderators.

  15. Syed Mateen Ahmad

    Wed Oct 28 09:07:12 GMT 2009

    An impressive piece of writing, but for experienced only, as it is full of symbols, which are sometimes confusing. Highly creative and imaginative. I liked the narrative technique and the way voices of characters are intermixed.

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  16. gypsy

    Wed Nov 11 18:36:39 GMT 2009

    "I Remember It Well"

    sung by Steve Lawrence, Maurice Chevalier et al

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  17. g.stills

    Mon Nov 16 20:57:18 GMT 2009

    So... How's about that novel?

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  18. Renzo

    Wed Aug 18 17:59:25 BST 2010

    I am commenting on what the commentors said mainly, since the work of art is unreproachable on any level. I think the symbols are not so difficult for native speakers, who feel more than they intellectualize, although I am not sure that the one who wrote that comment is a non native speaker. I only suspect.

    This would not stand up well as a novel length piece I think because of the intensity of the cadenced, metered feeling of the text, again much more poetry in structure than prose.

    Pronouns are tricky and I think that here they are only of concern because the "you" is the author, a woman, and the "I" is a man, AND the author's name under the title is clearly a female gendered name in English. If we had no authors name, or a bigendered name (imagine one) we would interprete the story according to the gender roles described about the characters inside the narrative. In Turkish there is one word only for the third person (he, she are not separated) so this tale in Turkish might be more direct since we would assume that the author and speaker were the same and were male. This confusion turns the pronouns and gender of the characters into a symbol, a ploy or a red herring of sorts. We don't know.

    I had never imagined this type of prose, narrative and shortened short story. I think that the imaginer of that structure is more of a genius than the writer of it. But neither is far from genius. It is as others have said, amazing, in what it accomplishes emotionally and how efficiently it accomplishes it.

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  19. perzephone

    Sat Aug 21 06:05:44 BST 2010

    This story is heat lightning for my heart. Thank you.

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  20. yonacito

    Fri Aug 27 15:47:04 BST 2010

    I also created an account in order to leave a comment.

    I am still in tears over this piece. As a writer it is rare that I find work that I like immediately. Wait, first let me say thank you for writing this piece. Your story spoke to me on so many levels.

    Haven't had a good cry like this in a while. I immediately took on the role of the author. There is so much life in this story. I don't want to use words to express how powerful my experience was so I will stop here. Thank you

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  21. Gbenga Awomodu

    Wed Nov 10 12:11:43 GMT 2010

    Absolutely fantastic. I love the poetic feel! I should try this style soonish!!

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    I keep coming back to this. It's heartbreaking. I can't wait to read more from this girl.

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    Each phrase is fat and juicy. You just wonder where each one will lead.

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    This comment has been removed by the moderators.

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