Ariel Leve

Either Way, I Lose

Being an American in London is tricky. Often British friends will refer to someone as ‘that stupid American woman’ in my presence. I’ll wait for them to add, ‘present company excluded’ and when that doesn’t happen I then do what any proud, patriotic American would do: I change the subject.

But it’s hard to change the subject these days. I might as well pin an American flag to my lapel because everywhere I go I’m The American Woman and there’s only one topic people want to discuss. The election.

I’ve found that Brits fall into two categories. Those who want to know why this election is getting so much coverage; and those who are annoyed by the amount of coverage this election is getting and blame me.

Recently I was standing in the queue at the post office and an English man in a grey suit asked for the time. After I responded he paused. Then he said, ‘I just have to tell you, I think this election is a lot of noise over nothing.’

I’m not sure why he just had to tell me. Then he looked right at me and asked, ‘why is that?’ I didn’t know what to say. Did he want a real answer? Most likely the type of person who would have a satisfactory and useful answer to that question wouldn’t be in a post office at three o’clock on a Thursday.

I admit the amount of coverage is excessive but at least the Brits don’t know how bad it really is. The other night I was watching Sky News. They’ve set something up called the ‘White House’ in Miami. (I can hear the production meeting: ‘Hey let’s call it the “White House” and it will actually be a white house!’) The host addressed two men sitting on the upholstered (white) sofa, and one of them looked vaguely familiar. I’m thinking: where do I know him from? Then it hit me. The Real World Miami. The MTV reality show. Dan, the former aspiring model, is now a pundit for Sky News.

Those of my friends here in Britain who have become addicted to watching twenty-four hour election coverage are hooked on Fox News. They claim to watch it ironically. All of them happen to be recovering alcoholics and I think there must be a link. The non-stop aggression and confrontation probably brings back wistful memories. Like a diabetic watching Nigella’s Christmas special.

There are 350,000 Americans living in Britain right now and if you want to avoid them stay away from Whole Foods in Kensington. My biggest fear is that if McCain wins, all the people I avoid when I’m in New York will move to London. Where else are they going to go – Canada?

On the other hand, if Obama’s elected, the anxiety will be too much. I’ll be worrying every day about him getting shot. I get very nervous when I see him speaking in public. And if his inauguration is outdoors, I don’t want to know. I can’t take the stress.

It’s a losing situation no matter who wins.

Ariel Leve has been a journalist and columnist with the Sunday Times Magazine since 2003. She is based in London and New York. She has twice been nominated for the British Press Awards and in 2008 was Highly Commended as Feature Writer Of The Year. A collection of her columns, The Cassandra Chronicles, will be published by Portobello Books in 2009.